It is with great reverence that I, Nefari of Mystery-Shack.com, humbly move into the role of assisting the management and improvement of this site. It is not often that one receives an opportunity like this, the chance to freshly define and mold the standards of a community which, for years, had been left to flounder in the darkness without the guiding light of sweet, iron-fisted authority. I intend to change that, and with my appointment will come the unrelenting force of authoritarian dominance. Do not be afraid: I am not here to abuse my power. I am here merely to identify and address the flaws in the posts of people who protest, disagree with, or mildly annoy those in command, as is in the best interest of the site. I will keep you safe, citizens.
I AM THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE. Do not think that my new position will affect my ego or ability to sympathize and hold a natural conversation with the inferiors. Like all of you, I started at the bottom, among the lowest of the low, a helpless plebian subject to every whim and whimsy of the oligarchy. Today I rise as a hero among the rest of you, triumphant proof that even the most useless among you can rise to a state of authority, can be admired and worshipped by those who were formerly their peers. I am, therefore, like any of you; I understand your plight, loyal denizens, and I am sympathetic.
Yet there must be some fundamental difference between us, yes? Some seed of potential planted in me that was, in you, never nurtured. Something that caused this course of events, that set me apart from you as a hero, a role model... a star. This power, this intrinsic superiority that defines who I am... I could use this for many things. But for you, with whom I share an equal respect despite all the reasons not to--for you, I promise to use the strength within me for good.
And to you, dear MysterySeeker, there are no words to express my gratitude. This website would be nothing with you, and without this website, I would be nothing. I was just like them, don't you realize? Yet you saw through that and saved me from my dark oblivion. Now I will do my best to perform this service for others. It is truly an honor, m'overlord.